Is the "I don't want to waste time dating" mindset unhealthy for finding love?

"I don't want to waste my time" is a phrase I often hear from people with behaviors or mindsets that are not dating-friendly. A couple of different types of people are usually concerned about wasting time. The majority are those who have been hurt and don't want to get hurt again. Variations include people who feel they have met many unworthy people and have many commitments, like children or demanding careers.

So, they create a fence around their heart and call anybody who can't figure out how to get past the invisible wall "wasting their time." Suitors need to be able to hurdle the fence they cannot see. This person might also over-analyze everything a person does and say it is part of their process. They look hard for something to be wrong. And when they find something wrong, they say, "See, I was right, and I just protected my heart again." As a result, the fence gets taller and more protected.

No one wants to waste time. Not one person wants to get into something with someone only to find out they are not who they said they were. Discoveries include finding out your suitor of the last two months is surprisingly married, smokes, hates dogs, or lives off the grid in a van down by the river. It doesn't matter what it is; once you discover something you can't live with, it's heart-wrenching and feels like a betrayal.

However, getting to know someone and learning about their desires and opportunities is never a waste of time. The experiences around rejecting someone who is not right for you are valuable. (End it quickly and with kindness.) If it's a hard no, don't entertain the thought; you don't need to ask yourself or anyone else; it's simply NO. The only thing that wastes time is pursuing a relationship you know you can't fulfill, and the only way to learn is to open up.

I see people trying to gather information on an individual before knowing their last name. Again, this is an example of a "not wanting to waste time" action. However, insecurity is a deep wound that takes many experiences to conquer. Insecurities send negative energy, killing attraction to those with security and positive energy.

I know some of you are saying this is a recipe for heartbreak. Yet, the solution remains: living and trusting appropriately until you can trust fully or something that needs addressing unfolds. Then, address that issue and make a decision. 

Here's how to keep it attractive without hurting your heart.

1. Trust responsibly. You trust on a fundamental level until this new person gives you a reason to trust more. So, don't share your deep, dark fears or your most desired fantasies early on. Allow your relationship to unfold naturally over time, and avoid putting yourself in a risky situation. You don't want to waste time, so you should have a sense of urgency here. Yet, you miss out on the romance when you rush in and get it wrong.

2. No tests or manifesting situations. There is no integrity in tests. It's a huge turn-off when your date finds out, and they always do. So, ladies, do not ask another woman to try to hook up with your guy to see if he takes her up on it. Guys, no spilling drinks on women to see if they react within your approved perimeters. Spend time together and live with integrity. Behaviors will unfold over time.

3. Slow down. Intimacy happens only when you can handle it. If you can't handle having sex with someone you don't know, then don't do it. If you can handle it, remember that you don't honestly know this person deeply, and don't be confused or heartbroken if it doesn't work out. If you've been heartbroken in the past, hold back on intimacy until you feel like you are with someone who has integrity and is investing in you.

4. Address issues as they come up. My article on setting boundaries details this, but make sure you're not letting people walk all over you in an attempt to open your heart up.

   https://www.hmkcoaching.com/post/navigating-boundaries-how-to-establish-and-maintain-healthy-limits-in-relationships

A great goal is to create a mindset where you are dating intentionally rather than casually. Make it clear from the beginning that you are looking for someone special. If you are intentional about who and how you date, you won't waste time with people who don't meet your standards. 

How do you know if you're wasting your time?

My list of time-wasting behaviors is vast, but here are the common themes:

• Falling in love with someone unavailable (married, committed, gay, wounded, etc.) (Note: falling in love with them, not unknowingly meeting them, is a waste of time.)

• Entering into Friends with Benefits and other situationships

• Trying to create sexual chemistry with someone uninterested or unable

• Trying to develop compatibility with someone you have sexual chemistry with, but nothing else matches up.

• Chasing someone who seems to have a minimal interest, or allowing someone to pursue you who you have minimal interest in

• You may think you can change someone or that they will change after an event, such as becoming committed, engaged, or married. They will not change unless they desire to. You cannot change someone, so thinking they will change is a waste of time.

• Trying to be someone you're not. We all have room for growth and can become who we want to be over time, but pretending to be wealthy, educated, masculine or feminine, gracious, etc., becomes fake and a waste of time.

Wasting time takes up space for someone who can love you in a way you never expected. However, you have to kiss some frogs. But the frogs are worth the lesson because they help identify the prince or princess.

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All content is written by a human. AI tools are used to assist with proofreading, structure, and making grammatical edits. Your favorite AI tool has never dated or loved anyone, but I have.