Boundaries are all the hype right now, and it is about time they get special attention. I often hear people say they are working on their boundaries and then misunderstand and misuse them.
Unless you take psych classes, you don't formally learn about boundaries, which is unfortunate. Social media and friends often talk about boundaries in ways that can foster misuse. Boundaries remain academic until you put them into practice, which is an additional skill set.
People we love cross boundaries from time to time. We aren't talking about them. A heartfelt conversation is typically all we need with them. However, we are talking about the people in our lives who have behavior that rocks apart our inner peace, makes our hearts hurt, or potentially even takes an action that appeases them but not us. In other words, the heartfelt conversation didn't work, and now we need a proper boundary to keep our sanity.
Boundaries represent our standards and values, whether applied to new people or existing relationships. When boundaries define high standards, the relationship is attractive and significant. Our early boundaries with people we have just met set the stage for successful, productive interactions when meeting new people, friends, or romantic interests.
What boundary is
• Primarily, it is an action rule (s) you take in response to another's behavior.
• It is a tool to teach others how to interact with you peacefully.
• A known set of actions that protect you.
What it is not
• Boundaries are not to control or threaten someone.
• A simply stated demand. (We cannot control other people's behavior.)
• Negotiable to solve a problem.
• Unrealistic - we cannot stop someone from being who they are. If they are selfish, this isn't going to help.
When we need it
• When we feel emotional turmoil that doesn't meet our standards (our heart hurts)
• When people say or do something so frequently that it bothers us to our core.
• More than a simple conversation is required.
The formula for establishing a boundary is reasonably straightforward. Again, this is for occurrences that happen with significant impact or repeatedly. The template = We've talked about _______. It bothers me and hurts my heart. If you continue _______, I will _______. Please note that it is not a proper boundary unless you state your action and then take the action you said. Your integrity depends on taking the action. And their adherence to the boundaries depends on you taking the action.
Let me give you some language. Keep your tone calm. Boundaries are not a threat. Remember, we are setting a limit around something bothering us to our core; this language may sound direct or harsh. Please modify it to your style, but the outcome needs to be similar.
• We talked about texting me after work hours and the issues it creates with my family time. I will not answer your texts until I return to work during regular business hours. If it is an actual emergency, please call. (No, you can't answer any of the texts. No, not one.)
• We have talked about what happens when you are late for dinner. It creates worry, and evening activities become more stressful. Unless we make other plans the day before or earlier, we will eat dinner without you, and your dinner will be in the refrigerator. Please make it home on time. I enjoy your company.
• You are bringing up past issues rather than discussing our current problem. Reviewing past issues makes both of us more emotional. If we stay focused on the current issue, I can continue this discussion; otherwise, I will need to end the conversation and take a walk.
• If you escalate that anger, I will have to leave. (And then you exit if it continues. If you are afraid, simply exit and don't make the statement.)
• If you continue to call me names like stupid, I will hang up. (And then hang up immediately upon the next name called.)
• I heard you tell me my thoughts are wrong several times now. My thoughts are valid, and I appreciate that stop discrediting them. If you continue disrespecting and discounting me, we won't be able to talk anymore.
• I understand you'd like to meet today at 9 p.m., but I have other plans. I have plenty of availability in my schedule, but I can only see you if we can plan a date in advance. I'm not available last minute. (Note: Do not apologize!)
The language may irritate the other person. They are accustomed to wearing you down, getting what they want, or treating you how they want. Setting boundaries early in a behavior or relationship will make it easier in the long run. The quicker we move into cooperative, productive togetherness, the less time we spend stewing in toleration.
A note about boundaries and dating
In the early stages of dating, boundaries are a big part of establishing standards and values with a partner. Knowing what bothers you to your core, what is healthy for you, and where your boundaries must be before you are in a dicey situation is key to success. That way, you can take your known action step the first time someone goes too far. If you stop the conversation, it's less likely to happen again.
Partnership requires everyone to do their best. People who casually date often have low or casual boundaries. Your date will devalue you if you have low standards and bend your rules, making it very difficult for that person to become your partner down the road. The higher your standards, the more value you place on yourself.
Rejecting people because they crossed a boundary when they didn't know it was a boundary is also common in dating. Your date does not have magic thinking. Communicate boundaries before making it a big deal; give people a chance to rise to your standards. People can surprise you if you give them a chance. That's what makes them a keeper. However, don't keep giving more opportunities to people who keep rocking your inner peace apart.
Need help? A therapist, coach, or mediator can help you resolve issues with the most challenging people. Keep your peace and set your standards high. Boundaries help keep your merry heart secure.
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