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The Role of Chemistry and Compatibility in Building Strong Relationships

hellomskari

Chemistry and compatibility are different.

 

The distinction between chemistry and compatibility could be your needed dating mind shift.

 

I had a conversation with a young woman. She told me she has high standards for love and won't meet someone she doesn't "spark" with. OK, I get it—but there is more. I wholeheartedly believe that chemistry is essential, even critical. However, compatibility is equally important but very often overlooked. Chemistry and compatibility are like your lungs and heart. Both are necessary for the system to work.

 

Breakups often happen abruptly, and one person may say they don't understand what happened. Sudden breakups like this occur when one person is chasing chemistry (they want to stay in love drunk or aren't relationally intelligent) or suddenly realizes that they don't align with the other person in a way that will lead to a healthy relationship. So again, relationship-oriented people need to balance chemistry and compatibility during early dating.

 

Let's work out the distinction.

 

Chemistry

The rush of intense feelings people experience when they meet someone attractive is chemistry, which is frequently characterized by butterflies and a strong desire to be close and frequently together. Chemistry results purely from attraction and relies on a flood of hormones in the brain, like oxytocin. This biology makes you "love drunk" and allows you to miss or explain away behaviors that will generally give anyone else pause.  

 

Physical attractiveness, playfulness, conversation, and fantasy represent a relationship's love drunk or honeymoon period. Add sexual tension, and you have a lot of romantic chemistry. If it is all going on for you, your honeymoon phase can last from a couple of months to several (3ish) years. The honeymoon stage will fade, so don't discount identifying compatibility as a couple.

 

Compatibility 

Compatibility is how you align. If you align closely, there will be less overall conflict. The ability to develop a relationship (or not) based on your alignment is a part of relational intelligence. Healthy compatibility is when your values, standards, and expectations align with another human. They may not be precisely the same, but somewhere, they align.

 

For example, I am a dog lover. I would not be aligned with someone who felt a dog should never be in the home. I am also not aligned with someone who would say it's your dog; you can do what you want, but don't depend on me for help. We all need help sometimes, so that would put all the burden on me for care. Fortunately, I married someone I am compatible with. My husband and I care for our dogs in a very similar way. We can count on the other if one of us is not around. We are partners. 

 

There are more stressful situations and many more conflicts when couples have wide discrepancies in how they want to live. Compatibility looks at the details.

·         Do you need alone time? How much time?

·         How do you view the purpose of money

·         What does privacy look like?

·         How much time with the extended family is too much/too little?

·         There is more, but you get the idea.

 

You know the drill: sex, finances, religion, recreation, home chores, childcare, parenting, and politics are all areas where conflicts arise. Conflict itself can be a source of conflict. How you quarrel, resolve, and finally repair after conflict is a huge, big deal. Nonetheless, working on all the minutia of life will be a constant in the rrelationship'slifetime.

 

Hookup culture is so prevalent in today's dating culture that it can be challenging to navigate compatibility. To work on compatibility, ask insightful questions, and remain open-minded. I want to encourage you to continue to build a safe place to be vulnerable in your relationship. Being safe to be vulnerable makes asking insightful questions and remaining open-minded possible. Insightfulness and open-mindedness contribute to chemistry and compatibility.

 

That is a great place to start.  

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