The Role of Chemistry and Compatibility in Building Strong Relationships

Chemistry and compatibility are different.

The distinction between chemistry and compatibility could be your needed dating mind shift.

I had a conversation with a young woman. She told me she has high standards for love and won't meet someone she doesn't "spark" with. OK, I get it, but there is more. I wholeheartedly believe that chemistry is essential, even critical. However, compatibility is equally important but very often overlooked. Chemistry and compatibility are like your lungs and heart. Both are necessary for the system to work.

Breakups often happen abruptly, and one person may say they don't understand what happened. Sudden breakups like this occur when one person is chasing chemistry (they want to stay in love-drunk or aren't relationally intelligent) or when someone suddenly realizes they don't align with the other person in a way that will lead to a healthy relationship. So again, relationship-oriented people need to balance chemistry and compatibility during early dating.

Let's work out the distinction.

The rush of intense feelings people experience when they meet someone attractive is chemistry, often characterized by butterflies and a strong desire to be close and together. Chemistry results purely from attraction and relies on a flood of hormones in the brain, like oxytocin. This biology makes you "love drunk" and allows you to miss or explain away behaviors that will generally give anyone else pause.  

Physical attractiveness, playfulness, conversation, and fantasy represent the chemistry and a relationship's love-drunk or honeymoon period. Add sexual tension, and you have a lot of romantic chemistry. If it is all going on for you, your honeymoon phase can last from a couple of months to several (3ish) years. The honeymoon stage will fade, so don't discount the importance of identifying compatibility as a couple.

Compatibility is how you align. The main categories include:

• Financial - how you spend money and save money

• Lifestyle - how you live, are you a homebody, a partier, or a middle? City life or rural living?

• Social - who are your friends, what role do they play in your life? Will your friends mingle well with your partners? What does privacy look like?

• Family - do you want children? What role does the expanded family play?

If you align closely, there will be less overall conflict. The ability to develop a relationship (or not) based on your alignment is a part of relational intelligence. Healthy compatibility is when your values, standards, and expectations align with another human. They may not be precisely the same, but somewhere, they align.

For example, I am a dog lover. I would not align with someone who felt that a dog should never be in the home. I am also not aligned with someone who would say it's your dog; you can do what you want, but don't depend on me for help. We all need help sometimes, so that would put all the burden of care on me. Fortunately, I married someone I am compatible with. My husband and I care for our dogs in a very similar way. We can count on each other if one of us is not around. We are partners. 

So, look at the areas of conflict you've had in past relationships or witnessed to see where you need to align. You know the drill: sex, finances, religion, recreation, home chores, childcare, parenting, and politics are all areas where conflicts arise. Conflict itself can be a source of conflict. How you quarrel, resolve, and finally repair after conflict is a huge, big deal. Nonetheless, working through the minutiae of life will be a constant throughout the relationship's lifetime. It helps if you begin on the same page with most things.

Hookup culture is so prevalent in today's dating landscape that navigating compatibility can be challenging. To improve compatibility, ask insightful questions and remain open-minded. As you gain information, see how that fits with how you want to live. I want to encourage you to continue to build a safe place to be vulnerable in your relationship. Being safe to be vulnerable makes it possible to ask insightful questions and remain open-minded. Insightfulness and open-mindedness contribute to both chemistry and compatibility.

That is a great place to start.  

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