The Importance of Attachment Styles in Relationships: Exploring the "Why" and the "Why Not

I recently spent time with a dating group that was nearly obsessed with attachment styles. Some ladies stated they wouldn't even consider a relationship with a man with certain styles. Most women in the group were overestimating their attachment style in relation to his. And honestly, they were guessing at his because none of them knew enough about the guy to make a "diagnosis." It felt over the top to me.

Like almost everything else, attachment styles are on a spectrum, so that you could be an extreme or slight example of a behavioral style. They can also be combined with another style, a little of one and a little of another. It's not a complicated theory, a little Freudian, yet it is a hot button in relationships.

Attachment styles are psychological theories that explain adult relationship behaviors based on childhood experiences. There are four main attachment styles. I've listed them below and provided the most straightforward definitions.

1. Secure: People who can get attached and detach without high drama

2. Avoidant: People who choose to avoid attachments because they are reliant on themselves

3. Anxious: People who get into relationships and constantly worry about someone leaving

4. Disorganized: People who have multiple/severe traumas in their lives where formative relationships have let them down

   
   

The definitions above are all you need to know to understand your style. You can make it complicated or get deep if you fancy that. People often enjoy playing armchair psychologists, even though it is not always healthy. (For those who need to know more to satisfy an interest or curiosity, I have attached a link to get you started and a link to a find your style quiz at the bottom of this article.)

While the roots of attachment style are soundly based in psychology and have probably been researched to a great extent, for most people your attachment style doesn't significantly impact the relationship's success. However, multiple massive traumas do matter and need to be addressed by a professional. Additionally, someone who is constantly involved in high conflict and drama may find it beneficial to use this information with a professional. Let the specialists do their job when needed.

Here is why it doesn't matter.

1. Research has shown that any combination of attachment styles can create a successful relationship. True, it is best if you are both secure. However, learning your partner's needs and nuances will help you build your relationship with any combination.

2. We should all pursue a "secure" attachment style. If you already have this style, you can refine it and make it more robust (move further along the spectrum). Knowing where you are starting from may be helpful if you don't know your style, but it isn't necessary. Seek to develop and strengthen the traits of a secure person, regardless of where you begin.

3. We tend to put people in a box and not let them out. For example, by labeling someone as anxious, we tend to accommodate them rather than genuinely help them grow to become more secure. On the flip side, some people do not operate with integrity, label their partner, and then use the knowledge to push their triggers. That is NOT cool, but it does happen.

Let the rabbits go down a rabbit hole, and not you. Please refrain from spending too much time overanalyzing behaviors; instead, keep the conversations with your partner positive and productive.  Again, "Were you attached to your parents growing up?" should not become a first-date question. Dating is fun. So, let it be fun, and rather than trying to determine your date's attachment style, try looking at the entire person and what they bring into your life.

So, let's take a moment to identify why we do care about attachment styles.

First we do care if we can use it to understand the needs of our partner. It can be helpful to understand to create repairs in relationship misunderstandings.

We also care because pursuing secure attachment is healthy. Under pressure, you may default to your historical attachment style, but you can still adopt more secure traits over time. Knowing what that looks like turns it into a pursuit. Healthy attachment looks like this.

• Someone who enjoys a caring, loving relationship but doesn't need it to survive or be happy. They will be hurt if it ends, but they will recover quickly and thoroughly.

• This person is a great communicator and has a positive approach to discussing the good and happy things in life, as well as conflict issues and other challenging circumstances.

• As a partner, you can depend on them, and they also have trust that you are dependable.

• This partner encourages a healthy amount of independence. For example, a secure partner would support spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies, and exploring interests, without making the person feel like they are being left or are uninterested in them.

• Alternative viewpoints are heard and understood. A secure partner can accept a different view and refrain from trying to change another person's mind or fix it. They are ok with people having other thoughts.

• Manages emotions clearly, avoiding being overly angry, upset, passive-aggressive, or drawn into drama.

  
  

Discussions and training are available, and some people find them helpful. I wouldn't spend money on this stuff, but since it's out there in the dating world, let's consider why it does matter.

If you find attachment styles interesting, it can help you pursue healthy traits. Some things are simply blind to humans until something or someone points them out. Discuss it with someone you're in a serious relationship with to broaden your perspective. Try close friends or family if you are not in a relationship worthy (yet) of this discussion. Make personal growth your standard and maintain this standard in all your relationships. As you develop your secure attachment traits, your relationships also improve.

The traits of secure attachment are imperative for healthy relationships, but don't overthink this. If you have a secure attachment style, you can be more confident in your relationship skills, and it would be beneficial to continue refining them. If you have something other than a secure style, plan to become more confident and keep moving forward. You can then be more confident in your behaviors as well. Know you are growing and progressing either way. That's positive work.

References

Attachment style Information article

 Attachment Style Quiz

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All content is written by a human. AI tools are used to assist with proofreading, structure, and making grammatical edits. Your favorite AI tool has never dated or loved anyone.