The Blind Spot in the Mirror: Why You Don’t See What You’re Doing (But others can)
- hellomskari
- Sep 18
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 24
Tiffany Leader and I recorded a chat about love and burnout. A few people asked for an expanded explanation of blind spots. Why can’t people see what they are doing wrong was a question Tiffany asked me, and I referred to the Johari Window and said Because they can’t. It takes feedback from the right person, at the right time, in the right way to land well.
But we have all had that jolt into awareness. Someone says, “Do you realize how you’re coming across?” and your stomach drops. Your response can vary from flushing hot cheeks, defending heart palpitations, or perhaps you brush it off. Regardless of your response, you’re suddenly aware that the version of you in your own head is not the version other people see.
I don't believe this is all negative either. Many people are blind to the good and attractive things they do. Many of us could use a dose of seeing the good others see in us. However, this is part of the Johari window; the focus of this article is to help you overcome the things that are not going quite right. So let's dig in.
Most people think they’re self-aware. The research says otherwise. A Harvard Business Review study suggests that the actual number is approximately 10-15% of people who know how they are perceived. SO, if you’ve ever wondered why you keep ending up in the same argument, the same breakup, or the same awkward workplace moment, this is why. You’re not seeing yourself clearly. You’re living, at least somewhat, inside a blind spot. For those of you feeling bad about this, a blind spot is much better than simply saying you’re unwilling to change, so embrace the concept of being blind. Also, every human has a blind spot, so you're not alone here.
The Johari Window—And Why It Matters to You
Back in the 1950s, two psychologists (Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham) came up with something called the Johari Window. Sounds boring, but it’s a tried and true map of your self-awareness. Four squares. Four realities:
Open Area: What you know about yourself, and what others know too.
Blind Spot: What others see about you, but you can’t or won’t see.
Hidden Area: What you know but keep private.
Unknown Area: What nobody knows yet, not even you.
The Blind Spot is where relationships go to die. It’s the personal Bermuda Triangle of self-awareness. Your intentions go in, your actions come out, and somewhere in the middle, the meaning gets lost.
Why You Can’t See What You’re Doing
It’s because you’re a human. This is true for everyone, not just some people. Even the person you believe is completely self-aware and in control has a blind spot. So why is this?
Cognitive Biases: Your brain filters reality to protect your ego. You see what confirms your self-image and block what doesn’t.
Habitual Behavior: You’ve been doing certain things for so long they feel invisible until someone points them out.
Emotional Defensiveness: If the truth threatens your identity, you’ll dodge it, sugarcoat it, or flat-out deny it.
Feedback Avoidance: You avoid people who tell you hard truths… which means you stay in the dark.
For those readers who need me to say you’re blind because of a trauma, well, ok, but not necessarily. Trauma can manifest in any or all of the above, or in none of the above. You may be blind to your trauma as well. Yet, all your experiences contribute to blind spots, even praise and good feedback. We don’t eliminate the blind spot, but it can get smaller as we take in and process feedback.
The Cost of Staying Blind
In love, blind spots create those maddening mismatches: “I thought I was being attentive, “but reality was that “I felt smothered.”
At work, they can make you “that person” without even knowing it. The labels corporate America slaps on people are worse than those in high school - the interrupter, the overpromiser, the mean one, the one with a reputation for drama.
In life, your blind spot will keep you stuck in a loop. You will find yourself experiencing the same patterns with different people. Essentially, you will find a new relationship, but experience the same/similar ending.
How to Shrink the Blind Spot
If you want to stop tripping over your own shadow, you need courage, not just curiosity. In coaching, we help people see this. They either have the capacity for it or they don’t. Those without capacity will not achieve the same success as someone who can accept feedback and grow. Lean into these for actions to reduce what you don’t know.
Seek Honest Feedback: Find people who aren’t afraid to tell you the truth. Not your hype squad, although you need them too, your truth squad grows you by reducing what you don’t know.
Watch the Reactions You Trigger: If multiple people respond to you in the same way, don’t write them off. Pay attention. This is so true when dating. It’s so easy to blame the culture.
Ask More Than You Tell: Curiosity opens more doors than control ever will.
Sit in Discomfort: That defensive reaction you have? It’s usually a sign you’re touching on the thing you most need to see
The Real Test of Character
Seeing yourself clearly is only the first step. Step two is harder. Changing what you do once you know is difficult and can feel impossible. Integrity comes into play when you know you need to make a change but are unsure of how to do so. You likely need support from the outside to do what is right. Are you willing?
Not being willing is self-awareness without action, which will not bring you any further happiness. Self-awareness, coupled with action, is transformational and fosters greater integrity and happiness.
Sometimes, you can’t see yourself without someone else holding the mirror. Not to criticize you. Not to shame you. But to help you see what’s really there. Help you determine what is actionable and also what actions to take. Because the more clearly you can see yourself, the more freely you can show up—in love, at work, in life—without being haunted by the gap between your intentions and your impact.
It takes maturity to seek out feedback so you can truly grow. The mirror’s not there to flatter you. It’s there to free you.
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20025 HMK Coaching. All rights reserved. A human wrote this article because your favorite AI has never loved anyone, but I have.
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