Breaking Down the Myth: Do Men Really Dislike Strong, Independent Women?

"Men don’t like strong, independent women." Every time I hear this as a reason a woman can't find a date, I let out a little shriek inside. (Okay, sometimes it's audible.) Hear me out, please.

Don't get me wrong. I am all about empowering women. However, I don’t endorse being strong and independent as an excuse. I believe the statement "Men don't like strong, independent women" genuinely reduces women, the opposite of what I support. It also diminishes men.

I am a love coach for both men and women. I have never once had a male client say, "I’m looking for a meek doormat who hangs on my every word and has no life outside of mine." In contrast, when I ask men what they are looking for, they respond with someone gracious, independent, smart/educated, able to have an in-depth conversation, kind, respectful, fun, and so on.

I have been called a feminist, and I could go on and on about what it means to be a feminist, to be empowered, and how to achieve that, but that’s another article, or twenty-two. So, let's stay focused; strong, independent women, along with a few additional traits, are highly desired and highly valued. Let's focus on the "plus," a strong, independent woman, and/or plus, plus…. You fill in the blank to create a high-value character.

In my experience, strong and independent are words in this context that are simply dressing up other words like intimidating, scary, bitchy, and maybe even disrespectful. However, if you choose to be a strong, independent, and gracious woman, you will not be intimidating. Choose your additional character traits with intention.

There are four things to consider if you are too strong and independent to date.

1. If you say, "Men don't like strong, independent women," stop saying it! Stop enabling the thought. Instead, look at how you can continue to grow beyond two traits. Continue to grow stronger and more independent, and additionally thrive in relationships with kindness, seduction, and graciousness. You can be a feminist and be feminine.

   
   

2. Whew! Strong women have been through some stuff. For many of my clients, strong words and actions have been necessary in their past. However, we can continue to improve and learn to refine strong words and actions to get results without depriving the other person of dignity. Caring for another person doesn’t harm them. Harm is not something we should be proud of. Yet, I hear, "I ripped him a new one," or similar phrases as if they are a defining moment of strength.

   
   

3. Are you truly ready for a life partner? Making the I'm a strong, independent woman statement actually says, "Look at me, I don't need you." Why would a man want to be your partner? -You don’t need him. I've heard the conventional statements: "I don't need him, but I want him," and that it's better somehow. Again, if we are building an extraordinary love, letting go of all that need for control is necessary.

   
   

   Partner is a keyword here. If you want a partner, you also need to be one. You cannot keep all your independence and partner successfully. Marriage is a team activity. Yielding some of your independence will be necessary to make that team successful. You are not ready for a committed relationship if you cannot relinquish some of your independence. This is also true for men; they must give up some autonomy to form a team. (Note - I am absolutely not saying you need to give up all your strength and independence, but somewhere in your partnership, you will need to let go of that need for total control.)

   
   

4. There may be some men who truly are not looking for strong, independent women. And some men are intimidated by your strength and independence. Those men are not for you. They are for someone else. Stop trying to make all men be attracted to you. Dating you is a custom job. You need just one person to be your partner. (Well, one person at a time-- usually.) If they find you intimidating, GREAT. NEXT GUY!

   
   

So, if you see yourself in this strong, independent mindset, but can’t find a date, show up differently. You are still growing. Truly, there is more to you than merely being strong and independent. So what else are you? Bring it out. Highlight it. Let it be a defining factor for a while.

For additional thoughts, try the following article:  The real reason you can't find a date. 

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All content is written by a human. AI tools are used to assist with proofreading, structure, and making grammatical edits. Your favorite AI tool has never dated or loved anyone, but I have.