Why Do I Attract People Who Aren’t Good for Me? (And What to Do About It)

Let me tell you about a first date with a man who brought a Tupperware of grilled chicken to a steakhouse. You read that right. He brought his own food. He told me he didn’t trust the gluten-free seasoning, then proceeded to eat the breaded vegetables while maintaining eye contact. The red flag waved at me. It wasn’t about gluten. In my gut, I felt that he wanted to keep the costs down.

Was he dangerous? No.

Was he my person? Also no.

But here’s the kicker: I still went on a second date.

Why?

• I didn’t want to be too judgmental.

• He seemed confident, mysterious, and rugged in a backwoods way.

• And because my date picker was still broken. (My healthy dating mindset was at least six people away.)

Logic doesn’t always win. We can talk ourselves in and out of anyone if we don’t have clear boundaries. I’m still laughing and remember identifying with the internet girl who bought 100 tacos on a date. So, you’re not cursed if your dating life feels like a carousel of charming disasters. This is a pattern in your dating habits. And the good news? We can break patterns.

Hang with me. Let’s see if one of these lands is available for you.

We Confuse Drama with Chemistry

If you’ve experienced emotional chaos in relationships, calm and stable people can feel suspicious. Consistency doesn’t give you that same jolt of adrenaline. So, it can also feel boring. So, when someone shows up with stability and emotional availability, it feels off, and you don’t trust it. You miss the chaos spike, even if that spike hurts.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel more or less like myself around this person?

• Am I excited about them—or just the idea of being wanted?

• Do I feel clear after spending time with them, or confused?

  
  

Butterflies are natural. But they don’t leave you anxious, drained, or puzzled. Pay attention to the subtle or blindingly obvious feelings in your body. Both can give you insights.

We Repeat What We Know

Your body, specifically your nervous system, reaches for what is familiar, even if the familiar is dysfunctional. If you grew up with emotional inconsistency or had to earn love, you might mistake unpredictability for passion. Passion can look like a pull toward people who aren’t good for you. Your past is trying to stay current, and you can’t allow that. You are not a broken person. Only the pattern you are currently chasing needs to be repaired.

Ask yourself:

• What did I learn about love from my parents or early relationships?

• What behaviors did I normalize that no longer serve me?

• What kind of love feels healthy, even if it’s unfamiliar?

It’s impossible to erase the past, but learning from it and behaving differently is possible. That behavior shift will bring new and different people into your life.

(Note: When we repeat behaviors and cannot seem to see distinctions, your attachment systems are likely holding you back. It's a good time to visit a licensed therapist to work through your childhood issues.)

We Don’t Lead with Standards

Standards are your values in action. It’s easy to say you value honesty, respect, and emotional maturity. It’s another thing entirely to require these values consistently in your relationships. It is not enough to speak the words. Our behavior must set the tone for our values. Someone else will set the tone if you don’t set standards early. And you’ll be left managing, explaining, or teaching someone how to love you. That feels more like parenting than a romantic partnership.

So, Are You Attracting the Wrong People Or Allowing the Wrong People to Stay? Attraction isn’t just a magnet; it’s a mirror. That may be painful for you to hear. Yet, the perceptions we built about love, worth, and safety are ours to change. Yes, many behaviors play a role. However, the primary behavior is to decide who has full access to us and who can only have a limited capacity.

So, the better question is, “Why do I keep saying yes to people who don’t honor me?” It’s not just about who shows up. It’s about who gets full access to us.

Let me give you a rule. You are no longer available for unhealthy connections.

The Standard of Caring

Here’s a foundation I give my clients:

5 Minimum standards for caring in a committed relationship.

1. “You don’t have to agree, but you will respectfully speak to me.”

2. “If something’s bothering you, we talk about it. I’m not chasing or decoding.”

3. “We both build. We both grow.”

4. “I will not stay in any version of a relationship that makes me feel afraid or unsafe.”

5. “If you love me, you’ll root for me, not restrict me.”

Ask yourself:

• Do I live by these standards?

• Does my partner (or potential partner) meet them?

• Am I building something mutual—or managing something one-sided?

You don’t need to be perfect. You need to be clear and distinct. Because clarity is what breaks the cycle. I firmly believe that you build love and make a relationship happen together. So, create one with standards and peace. Love is not something you earn; it is something you are and express equally through words and actions.

Conclusion

Attracting the wrong people isn’t a curse—it’s a wake-up call. Paying attention and making change is the shift you need. Look inward, reflect for a moment, and then adjust your course. You deserve a love that is supportive, passionate, respectful, and safe. You need to align with those people who bring a fresh perspective. Love will meet you at the level of your standards, not your potential to tolerate.

Now it’s your turn—take five minutes today to write down your non-negotiables. Then ask yourself: Have I truly been honoring these, or have I just been hoping someone else will? If it feels hard to sort it out alone, don’t. Work with a love coach who can spot the patterns, sharpen your picker, and help you stop settling. You’re not too much, too late, or too far gone. You’re just one bold decision away from better love.

All rights reserved. HMKcoaching 2025.

All content is written by a human. AI tools are used to assist with proofreading, structure, and making grammatical edits. Your favorite AI tool has never dated or loved anyone, but I have.