Four hours is my most extended conversation on a first phone call date. It was fantastic. He seemed to think we had some out-of-this-world connection, and so did I. On another occasion, I met a guy in a tavern. It felt a little exotic, as he was from Norway. We shared dinners and walks by the river for a week while he was in town. We shared some dreams and talked about vacationing together.
Sometimes, an extraordinary connection happens. We laugh like we never have before. We kiss like we never have before. We seem so aligned, and then it ends. And when it does, we extensively ponder what happened. Why did it end? It was so amazing. I felt like I was falling in love. Can I rekindle it? We had such sparkling chemistry. We all ask, what went wrong?
There are three reasons your connection didn't last.
You were love drunk. Love drunk is the first stage of a relationship. Keep in mind there are three more stages beyond love drunk. Nonetheless, when you feel love drunk, everything is perfect; you are happy, even giddy. You are falling in love, and it's lovely. Everyone enjoys this part because it is such a euphoria. There is a lot of chemistry, and we are unsure how deep the compatibility goes. However, neither person has all the information or skills needed to develop to the next level. In other words, you both may be too drunk to drive the relationship.
Connection alone is not enough. Connection alone is insufficient to advance the relationship when you consider that successful relationships need much more. The other traits your partner is looking for must also be there—traits meeting their standards and expectations, honesty and integrity (yours and theirs), shared values, shared future desires, trust, etc. Connection is a great time and essential. So, as traits start to reveal, your partner can genuinely feel a connection and not believe that you are long-term.
Timing is imperative. Timing means this is the right person, at the right time, for the right reasons. If you fall too quickly, you don't know enough about this person to determine if you have all three. Perhaps some vulnerability was disclosed, but not all of it. Without some history with this person, seeing their truth is complicated. Knowing what the other person feels or if their behavior matches their words is impossible without time. If the romance ended as quickly as it began, perhaps the timing was wrong with this person: right person, yet wrong time and wrong reasons.
Can the connection be rekindled?
Are you sure you want to try it? Right now, you can let it go with good memories. If you can't rekindle it, you open space for bad feelings. Allow it. Sometimes, it's great just to let it be. If you can't let it go, check your ability to deal with change, rejection, and loss. Focus on the future with someone who meets your standard of care (because this person is not meeting that standard.)
If you insist and want to give rekindling a shot, here are some quick thoughts. Remember that they have moved on, and there is no guarantee they will rekindle their interest.
Give this person enough space for a new view of you to appear. They may want to explore it if they see that they missed something about you.
Project a picture where you have all the traits and the timing is right. Do this with actions, not words. Show your dignity by not chasing.
Sincerely and intentionally find extra fun in your life. When you try to reconnect, be happy without this person.
Most people worry that the momentum will be gone and won't spark again if they wait. But here's the thing: The momentum has already waned, or you wouldn't be reading. Give some space.
Learn more about relationship stages.
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