Regarding relationships, I often hear people mix up rules, pet peeves, and standards. I always work through this with my clients, but honestly, it's not just them—it's something we all need to think about. And the best part is that it's totally customizable to you and your relationship.
What's the Difference Between Rules, Pet Peeves, and Standards?
Let's break it down.
Rules are personal guidelines you set based on your past experiences. For example, maybe you have a rule like, "If we don't meet within two weeks, I'll move on," or "I'm not sleeping with someone unless we're exclusive." Couples can have their own rules, too, like "I need 20 minutes of alone time when I get home from work" or "Please tell me right away if I do something that bugs you." Rules can vary, and if broken, it can lead to a serious conversation, but they're not usually the end of a relationship.
Pet peeves are quirky things that drive you nuts but won't necessarily break a relationship. You might not love it when your partner wears cut-off jeans instead of regular shorts when they end a sentence with a preposition, or when strange food quirks pop up. These things can make you sigh or roll your eyes, but they don't really affect the bigger picture of your relationship.
Now, let's talk about standards—the non-negotiables. These are the things that, if not met, you may walk away from a relationship. Ideally, you want someone whose standards match yours—or they have higher standards than yours. Standards are personal, but some are universal. When someone meets your standards, it feels like equality and growth in the relationship. If you lower your standards, you reduce your happiness, not theirs. Trust me; compromising standards doesn't work in the long run.
Three Non-Negotiable Standards You Should Have
They Care About You (And I Mean Really Care):
The first non-negotiable standard is simple: they need to care about you. Demonstrating care is the standard from which everything else usually stems. If you focus on just one thing, make it this one. It might sound basic, but it's so important.
Caring isn't just about doing something nice for you occasionally—it's about consistently showing they genuinely care. A person who really cares:
Wants to understand your perspective, and does not automatically dismiss it. They seek to understand.
Helps make life easier for you—whether it's fixing something, cooking, or just offering some encouraging words.
communicates regularly and positively. If something isn't going well there can still be positive communication.
Treats you in a way that doesn't harm you—no bad-mouthing you to others, no cheating, no belittling you. They include you in their plans and respect you.
And, of course, kindness should always be there.
Integrity is a Must:
The second significant standard is integrity. Integrity is more difficult for many people than it seems. Integrity is when you do the right thing, no matter the outcome. When I talk with people about integrity in relationships, they often jump to cheating. There is much more to integrity than if your partner (or You) will cheat. Fundamentally, integrity is about telling the truth all the time. Being vulnerable and feeling safe enough to express your truths are where most people get tripped up. You must be honest about your needs, what bothers you, your actions (right or wrong), expectations, etc. Here is a typical example. Have you ever bought something without telling your partner? Or did you not tell them how much it was? That's not the truth, and it damages the integrity of a relationship. When we lack integrity, we damage respect.
If you have respect in your relationship, you also have trust and good communication. Respect is a primary attribute of a strong, healthy relationship.
Suppose you're ever in a situation where you're trying to figure out if respect is still there; it's time to pause. If you don't feel respected or don't respect your partner, take that as an indication that you need to reassess. You can respect someone in other areas of life—like a parent, a colleague, or a friend—but if you don't respect them as a partner, that's a huge indication that you are in a downward cycle. And sure, you may not agree with everything they do or say, and that's fine. But if your respect for them starts slipping, it's time to think about the cause and how to repair the relationship.
Shared Values:
The last non-negotiable standard is shared values. This one's pretty big, too, and it doesn't matter what the values are—just that you and your partner share them. For example, if religion is essential to you, your partner should at least respect your beliefs and encourage you. They don't have to practice the religion, but they should understand its significance for you. Therefore, they share the value in the relationship.
You will spend less time in conflict or discussing and debating huge things like religion, politics, health (e.g., smoking), or social justice (e.g., racism and sexism) if you have shared values. You don't have to agree on everything, but if your core values align, it's easier to find common ground and work through differences without all the stress.
Why Sorting Out Standards, Rules, and Pet Peeves Matters
It's easy to mix up our rules and pet peeves with our standards, but everything becomes more apparent once you work through the differences. When I work with clients, I help them figure out their standards, what's most important to them, and how to spot the behaviors that support those standards. This allows them to build a healthy, clear, and focused relationship.
Taking the time to think through your standards and where you place your focus is worth the exercise. Your standards set the tone for your relationships and are the foundation for everything that comes next.
If you are at that pause point in a relationship because of any of these standards, it's time to connect with a trusted advisor.
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