The time following a divorce is turbulent and also freeing. A lot of people jump back into dating immediately following a breakup. It's invigorating!
However, dating should not be your first step in healing from divorce.
There is a notion that everyone knows how to date. It's human nature to attract a mate—a partner. So we all get it. People are attracted, hang out, have sex, and then decide if there is a commitment coming. So many believe it's that simple and then get disillusioned when it turns out differently.
The first question you need to answer is why you are dating. Depending on why you want to date, you will have a different experience. Are you looking for a new partner? Are you looking for simple companionship? Are you looking for an adventurous lover? What do you want? Dating thoughtfully and intentionally begins with what you want and your honest expression.
Here are some helpful do's and don'ts to consider as you step into the world of dating post-divorce.
Do's of Dating After Divorce
1. Take Some Responsibility
Reflecting on your marriage is one of the first steps toward healing and dating again. What did you learn from it? We all contribute to the dynamics of a relationship, and owning up to your part can be incredibly empowering. When you do this, you become more attractive—not just to potential partners but to yourself. Healthier future relationships depend on you searching internally and making some pivots right now.
2. Get Some Stability
People are not looking to add a mess to their lives, and divorce is messy. Stability comes in many forms: financial, physical, and emotional. Whether hitting the gym, managing depression, or finding a new hobby, keeping your body and mind active will help you feel better about yourself. Stability in your life adds confidence and makes you more attractive to others.
3. Take Your Time & Meet Many People
There's no rush when it comes to finding love. Take your time to meet different people. Jumping into a relationship feels good in the short term but can scar someone's heart. The old Girl Scout adage works perfectly here. "Make new friends, but keep the old; some are silver and some are gold." Every new person you meet is valuable because they bring out something in you you need to find. Taking your time gives you time to heal, see who is most compatible, and become more romantic and stable.
4. Know What You Want
Being clear about your intentions is key. Remember, why are you dating? -Are you looking for a companion, a casual fling, or something more serious? There's no shame in whatever path you want, but knowing what you're after helps avoid misunderstandings. The investment to date for a lifetime commitment is different than determining to seek casual companionship.
5. Have Boundaries & Standards
Devote some time to clarifying your boundaries and standards before you meet someone. Boundaries are more than a sex statement. Manipulation and guilt are a part of your past and are not to be tolerated in your new and healthy relationships. How are you going to identify your boundaries? And how will you address unmet boundaries and standards? What tone and timing will you use? You will find that having transparent and open standards and boundaries will help attract the kind of person you can have a healthy relationship with.
6. Practice Talking to Strangers
If you've been out of the dating scene for a while, it's time to improve your conversation skills. Try striking up casual conversations with people in your everyday life. It could be as simple as asking a stranger if they like the muffins at a café. The more you practice engaging with others, the easier it will be when someone you're attracted to comes along. Talking to people you don't know will boost your confidence.
7. Be Prepared for Rejection
Dating is mostly rejection until it isn't. You meet great people, and some dates go well, and others not so much. You will need to end some relationships, and somewhere, someone will end a relationship with you. It's all part of finding "the one" with whom you have chemistry and compatibility. Handling rejection with dignity and grace is always seen with admiration.
Don'ts of Dating After Divorce
1. Don't Rush into Sex
Your desires are valid. Now, let's be direct. Sex can be tricky to navigate. You need to be very open when talking about it. If being in an exclusive relationship is not what you are looking for, you need to state it before you have sex. If you are looking for a long-term exclusive relationship, then state that. If it is something in between, you need to state that. Strong emotions erupt from this kind of intimacy, making things awkward for an unprepared person.
Always be safe. Never force someone or guilt a person into sex. There should be no children or anyone else who would be uncomfortable in this situation. Have some character and integrity. If it's right and you both consent, carry on.
2. Don't Admit to Inexperience Right Away
Understandably, you might feel out of practice after a divorce, but there's no need to announce it to your potential partner. You don't need to broadcast that you're a "new dater" or lack experience. This is an excellent way for a scammer or bad actor to think they can manipulate you. Build some mystery by letting people think they need to invest in you before they learn the details.
3. Don't Make It Too Easy
While throwing yourself into a new relationship is tempting, keeping a bit of distance is essential until the connection deepens. Making it too easy for someone to get too close too quickly may push suitors away. Take your time to build a genuine connection without rushing things. A fulfilling life outside of a romantic relationship is beautiful.
4. Don't Be Boring
Take an inventory of your life. What's your thing? What new thing are you learning, or an old thing are you mastering? Take lessons and try stuff. I tried the batting cages. It's a great story, still not for me, but a great story and a life lesson. What are you interested in? This means that when you are on a date, you are not trying to connect over what type of TV you watch or how bad dating apps are.
5. Don't Ignore Red Flags or Scammers
scammers are very good at what they do. They build you up, they make you feel more alive and vibrant than ever before, and then they violate you.
Delete and block any scammer. There are varying levels of scammers. The people who make you feel good but string you along and never meet you = scammers. The ones that ask for money or pictures are all scammers. People fall for scammers more than you think. Sometimes, it takes a while to identify. The one that frustrated me the most was the robots. You're not even talking to a real person. Such a time suck. UG! You can prevent this by taking your time and slowly investing in the relationship. Keep a slow but steady pace. My rule is never to give money to someone you have never met or married. Never.
6. Don't Rely on Friends' Advice.
While your friends might mean well, they might not always give the best dating advice. Their goal is to stay on your side and keep you happy, sometimes leading to bad decisions. If you're serious about improving your dating life, it might be worth seeking professional advice or coaching to navigate your friends more effectively.
Final Thoughts
Dating after a divorce can be daunting, but it can be enriching with the right mindset and approach. Remember, confidence is built through knowledge and experience. Take your time, stay true to your values, and prioritize your happiness and well-being. You've got this—one step at a time!
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