The Chair-Pulling Debate: Sexist or Sexy?

Just a heads-up: I'm about to be a bit controversial. Here's the question: Do you think it's sexist or sexy when a man pulls out a chair for a woman?

A Mini-History Review

In the 18th century, women needed assistance with doors and chairs - think hoop skirts and corsets. Seating someone was part of a broader chivalrous code of honor, reinforcing politeness and masculine charm. Historically, gentlemen have considered engaging in these actions regular and proper.

However, in modern society, this custom often goes unquestioned when directed toward older women, but it becomes a topic of debate in dating and relationships with younger women. Equal rights, sexism, and gender expectations enter the discussion here.

The Split Perspective

I know women who enjoy chivalrous actions such as chair-pulling and door-opening. Many even expect it and find men who practice these gestures more attractive and gentlemanly.

On the other hand, I've also heard women argue that it's sexist, archaic, and demeaning. They question how couples who meet using advanced technology and live in a contemporary world still engage in such traditional practices. Some women explicitly ask men not to pull out their chairs and even consider those who are sexist and less appealing. These women assert their independence and view this act as an outdated ritual.

The Underlying Issue

Women who oppose chair-pulling often perceive it as an attack on feminine independence—a relic of a time when women were property. By refusing this gesture, they believe they express modern confidence and self-sufficiency. However, even lovingly, when communicated to men, this rejection may inadvertently send the message: "I don't need you."

Confidence lies in balancing modern independence with traditional gestures. One can be both feminine and feminist. Taking offense to a simple act of courtesy may come across as insecurity rather than empowerment. Accepting the gesture with grace allows both individuals to feel valued—he gets to feel good about his gesture, and she gets to exhibit graciousness by receiving it.

The Value of Chair-Pulling in Relationships

Beyond personal perspectives, chair-pulling can hold more profound meaning in a relationship:

• It showcases mutual respect and charm.

• It demonstrates a man's appreciation for his partner.

• It reflects confidence and grace in both giving and receiving the gesture.

• It allows a man to feel more masculine and secure in his role.

• It highlights shared values and mutual consideration.

• It can serve as a conversation starter to set expectations early in dating.

Authenticity is more important

A genuine chivalrous code is not standard in the world. So, if this expresses a man's desire or style, he will enjoy it, and his partner will also enjoy it. If a man doesn't naturally enjoy pulling out chairs and only does it to please his partner, he may grow resentful. Similarly, if a woman dislikes the gesture but her partner insists, he may feel unfulfilled. Finding a balance that respects both partners' preferences is required for this to be an expression of love or early on respect.

I don't see door-openers and chair-pullers as threatening my thoroughly modern independence. When I encounter truly sexist men, their words and attitudes reveal their beliefs long before they reach my chair. For me, a chair pull is a gift. We both know I can do it myself, but his choice to do it for me is a small yet meaningful reminder of care and consideration.

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