The Art of Repair: Healing After Conflict in Love

Conflict is not the sign of a broken relationship. In fact, research from Dr. John Gottman shows that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual—meaning they never fully resolve. Couples fight about money, family, intimacy, or personality differences, not just once, but repeatedly. These issues tend to stem from deep needs, history, or temperament, which is why they resist neat closure.

Esther Perel, another leading voice in modern love, identifies three recurring themes as the root of most conflicts: power and control, trust and betrayal, and values and priorities. Couples may fight about laundry, sex, or schedules, but beneath the surface often lies:

• Who has the power here?

• Do I feel safe and cherished?

• Do we share the same compass for life?

The truth is, if 7 out of 10 arguments are destined to reappear, the health of a relationship isn’t measured by how often you disagree. It’s measured by how well you repair.

Why Repairs Matter

Think of repair like physical therapy for the heart. You wouldn’t wait until a torn ligament to start stretching—you keep muscles flexible daily. In the same way, repairing after small disagreements (“You forgot to text me,” “You were snappy at dinner”) trains couples to handle the big ones—the ones about sex, money, or parenting. When we repair quickly and intentionally, we show each other: “You matter to me more than winning this fight.” That builds resilience.

Practical Ways to Repair After Conflict

1. Use Gottman’s Repair Attempts

Gottman emphasizes the importance of small bids to de-escalate and reconnect. These don’t have to be elaborate—they can be tiny olive branches like:

• Humor: “Well, that escalated quickly. Should we both get snacks before we continue?”

• Taking ownership: “I hear how sharp I sounded. That wasn’t fair.”

• Affection: A gentle touch on their shoulder, a soft tone.

It’s less about being perfect and more about sending the signal that I want us back on the same team.

2. Choose Repair Words That Work

After an argument, timing matters. You don’t always have to resolve everything right away, but you do need to acknowledge the rupture. Start with an explicit apology. Then add on. Here are scripts couples can lean on:

• Acknowledgment: “I can see I hurt you when I said that.”

• Ownership: “That was my frustration talking, not the truth about how I feel about you.”

• Affection: “We’re both tired. Let’s pause and hug this out.”

• Curiosity: “Can we rewind? I want to hear what you were really needing from me.”

• Bridge-building: “I don’t want this fight to sit between us. How can we clear it?”

  
  

3. Perel’s Perspective is a framework    

Perel reminds us that repair isn’t just about solving the immediate issue; it’s about tending to the relationship system. Conflict will happen again, but repair creates confidence: We can find our way back to each other.

That could look like:

• Naming the deeper layer: “I think what’s underneath this argument is that I need more partnership around the house.”

• Respecting values: “I know family time is sacred to you. Let’s talk about how to protect that.”

• Restoring play: “We’ve fought enough tonight. Let’s order pizza and call this one a draw.”

  
  

Final Thought

The strongest couples aren’t the ones who never argue. They’re the ones who claim, bruise each other a little—and then return, repair, and rebuild. Repair is not a weakness. It’s not caving. It’s courage. The willingness to say, “Our love is bigger than this conflict,” will begin the repair.

2025 HMK Coaching. All rights reserved. A human wrote this article because your favorite AI has never loved anyone, but I have.