Okay, I simplified the stages because I want you to read the article. Working with people at the beginning of relationships who seem fixated on the Love-struck stage always results in disappointment. For them, moving forward in a relationship seems like moving backward. The chemistry or the spark fades a little, and they move on to search for the spark that stays bright forever.
Humans often forget that we have a journey with our chosen partner—a journey that is not linear. I wish a map existed, but relationships are more like a Louis and Clark expedition. Sometimes, it takes a long time to move forward, and sometimes, it's quick. Often, we repeat paths and go deeper each time. However, most people we meet crash land or go in another direction altogether.
If there were a map, it would look like the relationship stages. Take a quick read and think about where you are in your current relationship. How do you move forward? If you are not in a relationship yet, what stage did your last relationship end? What are the implications for your next relationship?
Love-struck, Bleeping Reality, Stabilization, and Partnership are relationship stages.
Love-struck is the first stage of a relationship. It begins when two people first come together; they have fun learning about each other and face a bit of the fear of the unknown. This time includes being attracted to and flirting with an individual who ignites those romantic sparks. We continue to look for commonalities and ways to be together. After some uneasiness passes, lives begin to come together, and a lot of romance happens.
Despite how senseless we can behave here, we crave this in a romantic relationship. We experience an emotional high only felt by this romantic love, hope, and fantasy. An emotional high is addicting, and people will do crazy things to stay love-struck. Maybe I should call this love drunk instead, as our vision can be a little rose-colored. Love stuck is superficial and cannot remain forever. Psychologists say couples can stay love-struck for up to 3 years, but relationships change afterward.
Bleeping reality sets in when you realize you are dating a human being. Your love-drunk hangover has thoroughly set in, and your relationship feels like work, a lot of work. People are questioning values, behavior issues emerge, and these things may be too human. The red flags you ignored when you were love-struck are now very apparent. Real power struggles occur. Disagreements tiptoe in, as it looks like we cannot see another's viewpoint, find a compromise, or are unwilling to let go of a mistake. Damn grudges! Simply put, power struggles kill relationships. A single person making constant concessions will also not allow the relationship to survive. Many romances fail here for two reasons: someone realizes that the differences are too significant to overcome (incompatible), or one or both people cannot manage their power struggles. Successful couples balance humanity and love-struck.
Exiting this stark reality stage requires honesty and vulnerability with yourself and your partner. Learning to identify conflict quickly and address it will ward off power struggles. To do all that, you need to be open-minded and vulnerable. Sharing your priorities, values, and where boundaries lay creates shared understanding. Overcoming your taboo conversations, fear, and compassion will open your heart and boot you to stabilization, the next stage. Compassion and empathy are the only ways (note I did say ONLY) to get through this stage. Live with intention here.
Candidly, I do not think everyone gets through this stage—nor should they. You can love someone unsuitable for you if you stay here. Keeping this relationship makes life confusing and emotionally draining. Moving from this stage is apparent when you either break up or concede that this person may not be a perfect human but may be ideal for you.
Stabilization is a period in your relationship when actively working through differences as they occur becomes easier. Romance, fun, and positivity have a solid history in this relationship. Additionally, problems that have resolutions behind them now exist. An expressed commitment to the relationship and a future together is clear. Financial assets, family, and goals are becoming or have become commingled. A feeling of security enters the relationship as you know how to connect. The challenge in this stage is to get beyond everyday life, which can feel routine and mundane. What feels normal should be stable but not dull. Romance can return to the forefront with adventure dates, travel, and humor. Variety keeps relationships fresh and grows deeper roots. Variety sounds simple but is particularly challenging when jobs and kids take priority. Investing in the relationship is visible when both partners give time and attention to each other's needs and desires.
Moving forward into a true partnership happens when you can anticipate the other person's needs and desires and have the desire to provide for them. Providing can be either in a tangible way or in emotional support.
A partnership is when you insightfully connect. You profoundly love your chosen person despite the differences you have. You are consciously choosing to work with this person to make a better relationship. A partnership is the ultimate reward for romantic relationships. Honestly, the love-struck/love-drunk period is long dead, but passion thrives. These relationships are authentically about making the other person's life better. Some magic happens if you both share this perspective. Magic represents the 3 out of 10 marriages that we all look at and know are exceptional – it is one of a kind.
Relationships are a journey, and no two will look alike. Yes, we must revisit the stages as people grow and change. For example, bringing issues forward that are associated with life's surprises, like aging and children, cannot be anticipated, and we can find that the power struggle stage can return. Use your experts (therapists, coaches, educators) to help you navigate love's journey, and remember that great romances are passionate partnerships rather than their love-drunk earlier versions.
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