How to Maintain Perspective with the 1/3 Rule: Dealing with Love, Indifference, and Dislike

I have this rule. I don't know where I learned it, but for the last 25 years, it has kept the people who come into my life in perspective.

I shared this rule with a leader in a consultation not too long ago. Her dilemma boiled down to circumstances where she let a few people on her huge team affect her ability to lead. They were undermining her authority without genuine cause. These few people often refused to speak to her. They also spent time rolling their eyes and spouting mistruths. Juvenile as it may sound, this is common as people align themselves with some people and not others.

Our consultation resulted in her understanding and deciding how she can effectively maximize the 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 rule. A quick little disclosure: this rule is applicable in general. We have all met the outliers. And yes, it is possible to manage these ratios.

If you have not heard of the 1/3,1/3,1/3 rule, let me share.

• 1/3 of the people you meet will love you completely. They are undeniably in your corner, and without a doubt, you have a friend on your side. Let's call them group one.

• 1/3 of the people you meet are indifferent. They neither love everything you do nor hate it. People in this group can see both your halo and your horns. Or they don't know you well enough to make any judgments about you at all. Let's call this group two.

• 1/3 of the people you meet will not like you. They may be unaware of the reason for their distaste, but they don't like you. Following your lead is challenging for them and calls for constant disruption. Of course, this is group three.

  
  

People spend far too much time worrying about group three, the 1/3 of people that are objectionable to you. Spending time with group three people is like hitting your head against a spikey wall. I once had a coworker who openly disclosed placing me in group three after initially meeting because I was wearing a red suit jacket (no kidding). She thought I was overly dramatic and attention-seeking in that jacket. In truth, I love red; it makes me happy, and that is all there is. I was never going to convince her differently. We coexisted at best. But 2/3 of my coworkers took the time to be open to my fashion flair or were simply less concerned with what I wore than what I produced.

Are you spending time and energy to change people who can or will not?

Consider that you are very different from the people in group three. The spice of conversation is differing perspectives. Please consider that you have something to learn. So, please stop trying to change them and try to understand them. The best strategy includes exerting energy in all groups. However, spending more time and care with group two, the indifferent people, is most beneficial. They can influence the cynics in a way that you cannot.

Focus on group two people. It is evident, as the first group already loves you, and the last group is clearly no fan. Every new person who comes into your life falls into group two. Many people will stay in group two, and some will move into other groups. A group movement comes over a little bit of time, assuming you did not bomb your first impression. The rule is applicable whether you meet someone at work, socially, or even romantically. They get to know you, and you get to know them. If you don't like everyone you know, why should everyone you know like you? You can be a kind person acting with integrity and wear a red jacket, and bam! Not your people.

I have been disappointed when I realize that someone I like does not like me, when I thought I would like someone and I don't, or when I really want to like someone and I don't. It is okay not to like people. No, it's not okay to be rude or harmful, but there is no integrity in pretending to be friends with someone when you don't want to be.  

Be mindful of when you meet people. Putting new people in group one too quickly gives them too much information and power. They don't know you. You do not know them. A couple of thoughts on being mindful when encountering new people you are getting to know.

1. Acknowledge (to yourself) that this person is new to you and that you are reserving judgment.

2. Smile at them!

3. Consider them experts in their field, ask questions in the moment, listen to the answers, and then ask more questions.

4. Everyone is worth some of your time. Be patient. Passing people off too quickly sends an off-putting message to everyone.

5. Use positive statements. "I am confident luck will come your way." "I am optimistic that the project will be successful." "You are so positive. Your friends must enjoy your company." "you are so interesting." "Please tell me more when you finish your project/get back from your trip."

   
   

Decisively and intentionally managing your relationships will help you improve your overall impact on people. Using the 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 Rule keeps people in your life in perspective. Build good relationships by not aggravating your cynics and concentrating on your group of two people.

Spending time with your group of people is your reward. Spending time with people who love you and you love in return is the reward you need to fill you so you can spend time with others. They propel you forward.

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