Navigating the Perpetual Conflict: Strategies for Finding Peace

All conflicts are not the same. Some disputes truly cannot be resolved. So now what?

You are not a failure because resolution escapes your partnership. John Gottman's research indicates that nearly 70% of conflict in a romantic relationship is perpetual, meaning it cannot be fully resolved where everyone is satisfied and no one feels compromised. You know, those conflicts in your life that keep coming up repeatedly, and you feel like you want to scream—Why can’t we just put this to rest already? That's the conflict we are talking about. 

Solvable conflicts for one couple can be perpetual for another and vice versa. Perpetual conflict can be on any topic. Common differences in relationships that become conflicts revolve around sex, parenting, chores, free time, money, religion, politics, etc.

Solvable conflicts can be complex and situational. They're typically solvable when the root is a situation rather than a personality trait or a value. Conflicts with deeper roots, like those rooted in individual personality, values, or standards, are often recurring and the most common and complex.

People don’t change their values or their personality easily. So if someone is asking for a change here, it's going to be a long-term issue and take a long time to implement, if there is one.

Staying in perpetual conflict is exhausting, so we want to clean it up quickly. When asking someone to change something innate to their core being, remain open-minded. One way a romantic partnership becomes healthy is by allowing the other person to be authentically who they are while encouraging growth. We continue to grow in our abilities to deal with differences. No one likes disagreements, yet they are necessary for building a healthy relationship.

(NOTE: In no way am I saying you should tolerate abuse or someone who continually discounts your needs. Any form of abuse, emotional, psychological, or physical, needs immediate action to resolve. These actions could include therapy, education, and ending the relationship.)

So, how do you manage perpetual conflict rather than resolve it?

1. Manage your language and your approach to conflict. (Healthy conflict does not include yelling, name-calling, accusations, violence, stonewalling, silent treatments, manipulation, or anything other than integrity and empathy. And it may consist of emotional dialogue.)

2. Understand that it's perpetual. If you've had the same disagreement more than twice, name it.

3. Understand that a deep psychological trait or value is at the root of this conflict. It is not necessarily your partner's unreasonableness. You may need to search for the core value and associated triggers. 

4. Understand that revisiting this conflict is a good path. As time passes, situations change, and you must become open-minded enough to determine if a change of position is warranted.

5. Know your attachment style, as it will help you understand how you feel and how to manage or resolve conflicts.

6. Identify the emotions around the issue, then keep them in perspective. Conflict stirs emotions. Learn how you react to disagreement/conflict and how your partner is affected. Talk about that.

7. Use defusing techniques to deal with contentious issues. The stick method for discussing the problem is one example. Only the person with the stick can speak, and there should be no interruptions. Seek to hear and understand. Listen to the message, and stay focused on intent rather than literal words. Another example is lying down to discuss. (Esther Perel) It is tough to argue lying down.

8. Understand the other person’s needs or values. Yep, it's about more than what you want or think is right. Apathy gets you nowhere.

9. Seek a negotiated middle ground. If you can agree to a temporary course of action that benefits the relationship or family, it will have a more significant impact.

10. Consider giving it a time frame. Usually, time measures come in months or years. However, time frames can also be periods; for example, when the kids are in school, we do X; if they are not, we do Y. When the kids graduate, we talk about a whole new deal.

11. Create repair rituals that prioritize both partners’ needs. When we argue, we create a little rip in the relationship. When it heals, it is stronger. The repair is an action step. Use phrases that take responsibility for anything said in an emotional state. Return to regular care or give your partner extra care or service after an argument. Start reframing conflict as early as possible. If one person needs to sacrifice, find a new way to fulfill their desire.

12. You conflict with the problem. Remember, you are not quarreling with the outcome to be right or get your way. You need to work together to solve it so both people can deliver.

Gottman's Example

There is a family at odds with Sunday activities. Both people work full-time and only have a two-day weekend. She wants to devote time to self-care, such as golf or other activities. Sunday was a time for her to be alone when she was growing up. Her family outsourced much of the cleaning and prepping. He, however, wants to spend the morning cleaning and preparing for the upcoming week and the afternoon with the family. He grew up doing chores, preparing for the week ahead, and having a family dinner on Sunday.

These are all values they are fighting for. The couple grew up differently, and their values are different. For some couples, this argument could be a non-issue. They may determine that they like spending time apart this way, and it works. However, it is equally possible that one person could become resentful because much of the chore load is on them. One person could be bitter because their partner would rather clean toilets than spend a relaxing day with them. Perpetual conflict looks like this: One person will not be happy on Sunday forever if you don't talk it all through. 

Compatible couples have ways to resolve or manage conflicts, including controlling their emotions and negotiating outcomes. Some people do not have built-in ways to talk openly about what is bothering them or to bring up what they need. Lacking conflict-resolution and management traits can mean ignoring issues as they arise or constantly arguing over the same problem. Eventually, it could make the couple feel incompatible. If too much time passes without addressing the issue or too many problems arise, your relationship might end in heartbreak.

Learn to identify and manage what is not resolvable in the relationship. It may take some time, but you'll be less frustrated when you need to disagree. You’ll upgrade your partnership by being able to manage conflicts if you don't insist on solving them immediately.

HMKCoaching.com All rights reserved 2023.