"I don't chase," she said. "I wait for them to come to me," she defended. Yet, in our conversation, she was clearly doing the heavy lifting. She made most of the effort to connect, and when she did make a connection, she gave more and more of her life history and future desires in conversations. She worked very hard to be clever, only to receive his one-word responses. "I don't understand. At first, we had a great connection, and it faded. How do I get it back?"
The death of this relationship was foreseeable. She was clearly chasing him. He became afraid, bored, or didn't see the value and moved on. This is an example from a woman, but the genders could easily be reversed. As a matter of fact, I have heard plenty of women say, "he chased too hard."
The word "easy" often has a sexual connotation, as in it would be easy to get someone into bed. However, a more significant dating issue looms in the word easy. A sustainable relationship is not likely if you are too easy to say yes to a date, too agreeable to resolve a conflict, too responsive, and too eager for a commitment. For humans, our investment of time and energy needs to be worth the return. Too accommodating, too into someone, or too invested too early simply does not create a playground of desire.
Generally, people's perception that value exists in the "nearly unattainable" is primal. Both men and women need an element of pursuit of someone to feel like their chosen one is worth the effort and investment. Chasing takes pursuit to a place where people feel uncomfortable. Therefore, we lose attraction to anything that seems too easy. We may get immediate satisfaction from the spark an easy connection can make; however, it will never flame brightly. Desire will fail because, in the other person's mind, it's not worth the investment.
Please note that creating a false sense of unobtainable doesn't work either. Only the authentically rich life comes across as significant, valuable, and worthy of pursuit. Don't pretend to be busy. Live your best life.
I want to reiterate that both men and women demonstrate harmful chasing behaviors. Chasing has become a negative dating word since we don't distinguish between negative and positive chasing behaviors. "Don't chase" is standard dating advice because it's good. Chasing rarely, if ever, works out.
Chasing someone can lead to an impression where your romantic interests perceive you as overly eager. This perception may cause you to appear of lower social status, and once this view is formed, it's challenging for your love interest to recognize what makes you special and worthwhile. While the chasing is obvious to the other person, it might not be apparent to you.
Chasing feels uncomfortable and looks like the following
You initiate contact in a manner that is not reciprocated. (For those of you who need a number for this to make sense, more than 75% of the time you reach out, you are chasing.
Messages are way off balance, as one person shares more information and more friendship than the other.
You create circumstances to be in the other person's physical location. You suddenly find yourself in the same restaurant.
You invite love interests to spend alone time with you or help you too often or too early in the relationship.
You ask a person out on a date after being declined twice.
You sneak kiss someone, hoping it will create a spark.
You keep moving physically closer to someone, and they back away, but you keep stepping forward.
You are waiting and waiting, patiently waiting for the other person. Waiting for them to message you, call you, ask you out, ask for exclusivity… the waiting just goes on while you carry the relationship.
By the way, this is not a new dating culture. These scenarios have happened forever. So don't blame online sites for the BS. Women are expected to be pursued, and men are expected to be the pursuers. So, while modern women can ask for what they want in a relationship, they can't be perceived as chasing, and neither can men. Experts suggest that women initiate communication 20% to 50% of the time, and Men initiate contact 50 to 80% of the time. No one should feel like they are always doing all the heavy lifting.
Men who chase
Don't take no for an answer.
Constantly sell you on their attributes.
Try to continuously connect, even when they know the lady is busy.
Tell you everything about their life too early after meeting.
Give more than they get in return.
It is clear to the woman that he is way into her way too soon.
Women who chase
Take on masculine pursuit by messaging and calling too frequently or often create date-like circumstances.
Give more than they get in return, all the time.
They are too accommodating and seem to have only a few boundaries.
Tell them every detail about their life too quickly.
It is clear to the man that she is way into him too soon.
I will admit that nothing exciting would have happened if I had not taken a few action steps in my dating life. So, you must be intentional about what and when you do something. Chasing occurs when we see someone worth investing in, but they don't give the investment back. So, we try to convince them, and however unintentionally, we end up in a chase.
Generally, dating productively should feel uncomplicated and reciprocated.
Balanced communication is apparent. If an interested man reaches out to a curious woman, it looks balanced. One person doesn't always reach out or give more details than the other.
It's consistent. It could mean a couple of times a week or a couple of times a day.
It's genuine. There is no trying to fit or sell the other person. You feel like a better version of YOU.
Dating is a mindset, not a mind game. Chasing will fizzle potential relationships and leave you frustrated. There is a difference between chasing and pursuing a person or relationship. Chasing is nearly always about control and insecurities. Pursuing expresses values, expectations, boundaries, and standards that healthy, balanced people respect. Pursuing is about emotional control and knowing how to build healthy relationships.
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